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The Story of the Providence Bufalons or Why US Sports Need Relegation

The worst team in football


Today I'm gonna tell a story. Well, It's kind of more like a fable, but without animals. Semantics aside, It's a story to prove a point. I'll talk about the point later, first, the story.

We go to the city of Providence, RI, where there is an NFL team named the Providence Bufalons. The Bufalons are one of the older teams in the league, having been formed in 1920. The team was inherited by Mr. Dwight Edward Dornob, or D. Ed as his friends call him. At first fans welcomed D., as he spent money and spent it well. With a combination of great drafting and amazing free agent pickups, the Bufalons were able to create their storied God's Hammer Offense that was driven on the feet of the teams Hall Fame running back Thurman Sanders.

Everything seemed to be going the Bufalons way. They were, by every definition, a power house. Though the final prize, a Superbowl ring continued to elude the Bufalons, it seemed that every year there was a chance. Every year there was entertainment... until 1999.

The team lost in one season Thurman Sanders, QB Brady Man, and head coach Mark Lotto to retirement. Every fan assumed that the team would replace it's lost members with new, fresh talent. Instead D. Ed selected Rob Quin as QB for the team, and replaced the coach with Tony Mangitis. Tony would turn out to be easily persuaded to alter his game day lineup by D. Ed who took an increasingly meddling role in day to day operations.

The Bufalons were spiraling out of control. They quickly went from being the laughing stock of the NFL to being completely ignored. On most team's calendars, the Bufalons were often simply written as "Bye week #2" or "Div. 3 scrimmage." What made matters worse is the fans were beginning to desert the team. Something had to be done, and instead of putting a good product on the field, the ever increasingly cheep owner D. Ed decided to threaten to move the team to Tampa if ticket sales didn't improve. Faced with this prospect the fans decided that the worst team in the world was better than no team at all.

Since 1999 the Bufalons have never made the play offs, the continually finish dead last in their division. Yet, due to the shear fact that it's fans are scared to death of loosing the team, they continue to sell out the stadium for games. Every year Ed cuts the payroll, and brings in cheaper and cheaper players. Considering the fact that Ed has stated he does not wish to leave the team to his family, he does not want to sell the team, and the fact that he is 98 years old, many fans have come to believe that Ed is saving money to buy a homeless man and have a full brain transplant performed on him. Whatever reason for the aging D. Ed to be hording money, he continues to refuse to bring in the tools to make the team great again, why? Because he doesn't have to.

And that my friends is the story, and the intro to my point. If you haven't guessed the Bufalons are a mixture of the Lions and Bills of the NFL, though the story is based largely on the bills. So what's the point? When the NFL instituted a sallery cap, the idea was to even out the teams and get rid of dynasties that ruled the league for so long. Unlike certain baseball teams from New York, teams would not be able to buy titles.

That's all well and good for keeping the top of the league competitive, but what about owners like Mr D. Ed. Dornob, AKA Mr. Ralf Wilson, who only seem to use their teams as a cash cow. The bottom teams seem to languish and perform horribly. Playing those games seem pointless, as the outcome seems to be obvious before the game is even played. Sure the salary cap did create competition between the top teams, but it ultimately did NOTHING to help bring the bottom teams up to snuff. That is where relegation comes in.

I know what your thinking, Rela-who? Relegation is a system used primarily in European soccer (actually most sanctioned FIFA leagues) and it works like this: you finish in the bottom X position, you move down to a lower league. Of course the NFL would have to go ahead and create a lower league, or they could always see if the CFL was interested in a merger, but the point is, this system would work and the NFL (well, any sport, hockey, baseball, basketball) should really look into it.

And not only would this force bad owners to spend a bit and get better teams, because they will loose money if they don't, but it will also make lower level games more exciting. Can the lions stave off relegation? Will the Cinderella new comers be able to hand on for the year? Suddenly the year is not a complete failure if you don't get relegated. Right now it's Superbowl or nothing. And that's the issue, we care about who wins, not about who looses. And until that time when we start to care about the bottom as much as the top, we will continue to have guys like Mr. Wilson who will continue to rape the good people of western new york because he can get pad his wallet even more so that he can have a bigger funeral when he finally kicks the bucket. The fans, I feel, deserve more.

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